Guitar Hero

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m such a dreadful guitar player. I just can’t figure it out. I was strumming away just now and I was so horrified by the spasmodic movements I was making with my hands that I felt compelled to retire here and seek refuge at the computer. Let my fingers near a computer keyboard and they’re like the proverbial ducks to water, wriggling about happily, moving gracefully from Q right the way over to the Ctrl key on the other side with the greatest of ease. Plonk them on a fret board however and they wander around stunned, disorientated, directionless, like people stumbling out of a crash; unharmed but far from able to master any of the more advanced motor skills.

I’ve been playing now on and off since I was twelve, that’s thirteen years. Even with the breaks I should be pretty good by now, I should have at least got all of Dylan licked. This is not the case. I have a total repertoire of about five songs that I know all the way through. I was in a band once; I even did a bit of writing, something I still do. The problem was the same then as it is now, I’m held back somewhat by my inability to play the bloody thing. It would be like a novelist not being able to write in joined up letters or having to type the way so many of our parents do; with short stabbing movements aimed precisely at the keys but with a fair degree of trepidation every ten seconds or so, interspersed by agonising waits as they look for the next letter, “I saw that fucking ‘D’ just a minute a go, where’s the bugger gone?”

I get real joy out of playing the guitar because it’s completely different from anything else I do. It’s not work, it’s not reading, it’s not watching TV, it’s not exercising, it’s creative and doesn’t use words and for that reason it’s incredibly refreshing. And what’s more important in Bangladesh it doesn’t use electricity so I can use it even during the regular power cuts here. I know though that I’d get so much more pleasure out of it if I could play it better. I think it’s partly down to a lack of natural ability although really it’s far more down to my not being disciplined with it enough to put in the time and effort to learn the technical skills. I know I use it precisely because, for me, it’s directionless; I pick it up when I don’t want to try, when I’m tired and not in the mood for concentrating. Which doesn’t stop me being jealous of good guitar players when I hear one. But then I think to myself ‘Ah-ha! But does he know the current problems facing local government in Bangladesh? I think not! Joe: one, Guitar Player: Nil.’