Questions Questions

One of the fascinating, infuriating things about travelling and living in new countries is the unpredictability of it. A new country equals new food, new manners and customs, a whole host of new and intriguing road hazards from the bicycles of Beijing to the cows of Calcutta. Bangladesh is, of course, no exception. I am subjected to the unpredictable every day whether I like it or not (although generally I like it).

However, there are some things here that are unnervingly consistent. These boil down to a few core questions that I get asked by everyone, and I do mean everyone. Now, depending on my mood I elect for different answers with varying results that have become almost scientific in the predictability.

Observe question one: What is your country?

Answers depending on mood with ensuing reaction:
- ‘England’. Reaction: interest and an attempt to engage in further conversation, usually about food or cricket.
- ‘Birmingham’. Reaction: bemusement, very good for getting rid of people when busy.
- ‘Ireland’. Reaction: see results for Birmingham.

Next one: What food do you eat in England?

Answer depending on mood:
- ‘Er...A whole lot of different stuff. Italian, Chinese, Spanish, Indian, French, it depends how we feel.’ Reaction: Confusion. Most people where I live have rice for at least two meals a day, many have it three times.
- ‘Potatoes’. Reaction: nods of approval. Here the potato is deemed a Good Thing.
- ‘Babies’. Not really! Although on off-days it has been a sore temptation.

Question three. This is more fiendish: What religion are you?

Answer depending on mood with ensuing reaction:
- ‘Atheist’ (a look half of deep concern, half of utter bewilderment. As if you’ve just said ‘I don’t really believe in three dimensions. Height and width seem fine but I just don’t buy into that whole depth idea.’)
- ‘Christian’ (reassuring nods on the other person’s part, and a sense of wrong-doing on mine.)

Question three. This is for the top prize: Are you married? Sub-question: In England, if people are in love, why don’t they get married?

Answer depending on mood:
I actually only have one answer for this because I feel bad enough about denying my atheism and I just can’t fabricate a wife. So I confess I’m not married. They ask why. I say ‘Because people don’t really get married until later in Britain and sometimes people don’t get married at all.’ Then they whip out the sub-question (see above). How do you reply to that? ‘Because people like to fool about with other people.’ Or ‘Because people are always holding out for something better.’ I’m no sociologist.

Final question. If you’ve come this far you really need to come and replace me: Why don’t families live together? You should take care of your parents and they should live with you.

Answer: ‘Most parents in Britain would tell you that the idea of living in a house with your kids after you’ve spent over eighteen years trying to get rid of the little buggers is about as appealing as drinking your own fluids.’ I actually can’t say that in Bangla yet but I’m working on it. I know the word for ‘parents’ and ‘house’.

If you’d like to provide any ideas for new answers I can use I’d welcome them. I’m already wearing even the more outlandish ones rather thin. But please, no bestiality.